I haven't been able to update this blog for a couple of weeks and I thought I owed you all some explanation. Some of my blogging friends know by now that my dad has been in ICU for the last couple of weeks. At times, his health seems to be improving but at other times we get terrified.
This is how it all started. One day out of the blue he started having severe headache that wouldn't go away for a few days. He's never had headaches all his life so that was alarming but he is of the type who never asks anyone for any help. He wouldn't let our mom tell any of us siblings saying he didn't want to bother any of us. But then one day, he had a vomit and was taken to emergency. You would think the doctors would have done the cat-scan of the head right away but they took two full days to review his symptoms – which included lower back pain, intense weakness and pain in the thighs. They kept thinking it was some kind of weird virus. But when the cat-scan was done, it was discovered that he had bled at multiple spots in the brain. The bleeding had stopped but then other complications started happening – lung infection which according to the doctors, was picked up in the hospital itself.
My dad has always been very self sufficient, always going out of his way to help just about everyone and asking for help for himself is the last thing in his dictionary. Not always a positive I know. So this morning, he talked to my mom on the phone that he was feeling a lot better and should be home by the weekend. Only around noon we found out that he had tried to get out of the bed to go to the washroom but as soon as he got up, he fell because of weakness and passed out. We don't know when the nurses got to him but he did get bruised and started bleeding on the forehead – externally.
Thank God, he didn't have any internal bleeding. But he is extremely weak and is hardly talking. He said a few words to me this evening and they were "don't worry about me my child, I will be fine, take care of yourself". Apparently he knows I have been sick with high fever from the stress. And hearing these words, I couldn't stop crying. That's my dad. Always bringing attention away from himself, always thinking about others.
All these days I've been helplessly praying that he gets better. And at times while praying, I've found myself making deals and promises with the supreme being, in exchange for making my dad better.
As I write this, my childhood images float in front of my eyes. Our parents try to provide us with everything that is within their power. They will themselves go through difficulties but not let their children suffer. So why does God make us see them suffer so much?
Sometimes parents will use, loving though weird, names to refer to their children. My dad calls me his little tigress. It's his way of giving me strength and tell me I can achieve just about anything in life. But today, with him lying helplessly in the hospital, struggling for his life, I feel completely shattered and lonely.
A lot of questions go through my head these days.
Why are we all running after making money?
What is it that I should make my priority to do, while I am able bodied?
What is it that makes us walk, talk and smile? makes us feel pain and happiness?
I was chatting with a friend a few days ago, whose family went through some similarly tough situation. I asked him, does a person create a journey or the journey molds a person? We both didn't know the answer to this. Do you?
Today I request you all to keep my dad in your prayers. I can't continue as I cannot see the words on the screen anymore.
David McCauley
you dont know me but i’ve read your blog for a while now. i’ll keep you, your family, and your father in my prayers. it reminded me of my brother’s “discovery” of cancer, the speed of the spread, my inadequacy, the doctors’ confident failures, and my brother’s courage. i do believe that prayer is answered – sometimes yes and sometimes no – and then there is the issue of time – i never get the timeline commitment. i dont believe that i can control “God” thru my prayers – i dont see the almighty as a “genii” that i can control… but, for me, prayer does give me the opportunity to cut thru my own b.s. to really get to what i really want – and that clarity, on occasion, gives me perspective and sometimes even understanding.
my perspective on your question is yes and yes – we do create our journey and our journey molds us. we have been given free-will with which we make choices… and from those choices we, hopefully, learn and make better choices… but that’s just my perspective.